Paranoia?

My recent posts have been dominated with the themes of gender,sexuality,mythology and spirituality.I'd have you know-there are more to come.There're just so many thoughts I need to collect before I can vomit them all over my pathetic blog.I really can't hold them in much longer as those particular issues just keep reappearing in my daily life,so why not express them...here?Or maybe I won't?Once again,uncertainty owns me.

Have you ever had the feeling of constantly looking over your shoulder?As though you feel like you're falling short in some way,you're inadequate?Unsure?Baffled? It's a constant state of paranoia,and it's worsening at an alarmingly,sickening rate.I loathe it,I loathe it with every cell that makes up my physical existence.I also loathe the people who have influenced this. I hate them for their betrayal,their empty words,their neglect.

I do not wish to feel this way much longer.I want to be at peace.I want to feel some kind of mental ease.I'm TIRED of not feeling good enough.These insecurities are only swallowing me up.I'm being fucking DIGESTED.What's left of me but a warped, abused shell?Where have I gone?

Sometimes it's hard to even breathe steady breaths or focus my mind on one particular thing for an extended period of time.Maybe I'd end up needing years of therapy in my twenties or something to correct all the fuckery that plagues me right now.

Last December was probably one of the darkest months I'd ever experienced thus far.I was unaware that my mind was capable of producing such terrifying thoughts.It was the loneliest month.I could literally feel the hurt manifest itself on my poor,undeserving body.Emotional pain is selfish. It has to inflict physical pains as well to break you down even further.''If's'' and ''But's'' and ''Well's'' and ''I don't know's'' and my favourite yet,''maybe's'', are draining me.I want to feel that sense of comfort I had months ago,that sense of security.Security...